mussings

Look the thing is, sometimes all of this makes me feel like I’m on an island. Just throwing messages in bottles with hope they will be read. It’s not that I don’t believe you read them, or that you are really busy. But you said it yourself, being busy isn’t an excuse. If you wanted to make time you could. That’s not a knock on you, it’s just a fact. And I know you care, I believe you when you say so, but friends are supposed to be able to talk to each other. I can’t do all the talking by myself, is that communication? It's sad that the only times you've really been open is when you were angry and that one time you said you were a little drunk. But I also lie when I say I'm fine.

Look, you’re also being unfair when you ask me to always keep in touch. You know how I feel. I actually had made a descicion to not write or try to contact you while you were away, cut myself off for my own benefit. And you wrote and I couldn't follow through. I really am sorry if my feelings put pressure on you, I try not to, but I fail sometimes. But you put pressure on me by asking to keep in touch, and deal with the reality that you will usually not answer. Not because you don't want to, but because in all honesty I'm not a priority. And your signals are so confusing to me. You keep me at a distance, open up, close up, say things that really confuse me. Like telling me to look into around where you are going to be. What am I supposed to think? I guess you think it would be good for me, but don't you see the implications of telling me that? What else could I read into it? I know you meant it as a good idea for change for, because I know you don't have strong feelings about seeing me. That's hurtful to be honest.

How can I be open with you, when it’s precisely because I opened up so much to you that I started to feel the way I do. I’m not open like this with anyone, not ever with my best friend or my family. It’s not normal or fair to either one of us. I know you said it was not a problem for you to be a friend. Of course it’s not a problem because you never had any feelings for me. I know we could stop talking right now and it wouldn’t even faze you. You might be sad for a while, but you’d move on. Not because you’re heartless or cold, you’re just practical. I used to be like that, but you changed that in me. I’m not sure if it was a change for the best though. 

But that’s ok, shit happens right? I can’t blame you either. I’m not really going anywhere; I lack anything resembling a future. You on the other hand, have all these options in front of you. I’m happy about that, you deserve it, and you’ve worked for it. I guess this is my punishment for wasting my life. Karma’s a bitch sometimes, show me something I can never have, and that end up being the one thing I want.