flow

Somewhere, some when, shit will happen, of course it won't happen to me, never does, and maybe the problem really is that I don't want it to happen. I visited my family, well my blood relatives. You really can't call that a family. it's just a group of people who happen to share genes, but would no sooner fuck each other in the back if there was something in it for them, because that's what people do, go over anyone to get what they want, that's not being bitter, just being real about shit, someone told write anything you think of, even if 99.9% is shit, you might hit it with the 0.01%, this is obviously the former, but none the less it's refreshing for me, to just take a verbal dump or a written crap (both terms suck by the way), I don't trust people, and I continue to be proved right when I fuck up and let someone in, nope that’s bullshit, I’m just no good at loosing people, but then is anyone? I can’t count how many times I’ll end up going over any little tiny detail, no matter how unimportant, just to satisfy myself and find where I screwed up, even if I haven’t, the knowledge of maybe having done something wrong calms me, it makes it easier to digest the fact that I just didn’t work hard enough, or I don’t know, it’s just easier to give it a face, I’m kind of sad right now, I really miss her, but I’m afraid of saying anything, I’ll probably screw it up, I guess that’s why being passive, uninvolved, uninterested and un invested in life is so easy, there’s no room to make mistakes, to screw up, now I’m just talking shit, but if you think about it’ the idea is intriguing, attractive even, I am about to embark on a huge thing, well it’s not really big, but for a mouse, the cat’s footsteps are far apart, I’m not afraid to fail, not like I use to be, what I’m afraid is, am I doing this for me? For other people? Will it make me happy? Will I be able to complete this task, this time? It’s a lot to deal with, and there’s just one huge elephant in the room, I hope I can manage to work around it, even if for a while, fuck I miss you, I don’t understand why some people get under our skin, they crawl inside, move the furniture and just leave after eating all the good stuff, even if you move everything back to where it was supposed to be, it’s not the same, the place stinks of them, it’s alluringly obnoxious, disgustingly weak and yet empowering in its own twisted way, you know I think about you all the time right? Well I do, not that it matters really, because the saddest moment of actually having some sort of feeling, is realizing that the best thing you can do is just keep your fucking mouth shut, it’s for the best, that’s what a good person does, someone who cares, not walk away, just do the best for the one you care about, raise your fist without moving and scream silently, maybe let a tear drop down, blame it on the weather.