Elizabeth

Hey beautiful! God that's so fucking corny, but shit I have no idea what to say. I just miss you. I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that, but it's true. I mean I shouldn’t say it because you don’t feel the same way, or more to the point because if I do I have to be willing to back it up. 

I would, and that’s the problem. I would find you, anywhere you were, just dump everything and follow you. But you won’t accept that, you can’t deal with my insanity. Because yes, I am fucking crazy, it’s just bat shit insane to say with all honesty and truthfulness that I would be willing to dump everything I have built, though not much it’s something, just to be with someone. You don’t believe that, I know because you’ve opened up to me in a way you haven’t with anyone else. Just like I did with you, and that just scared the crap out of you. It scared me to, but it scared me because I never thought I could feel this way about anyone. But maybe I’m wrong; it wouldn’t be the first time. Yet, I know when you don’t say something, when you choose to say something else, using your words ever so carefully, methodically avoiding the straight answers. Or then maybe you are just a psycho bitch, and I’m just a dumbass who can’t tell shit for gold. And yes, this is me overthinking shit as usual.

See I started this thinking about writing you a letter, one that could help me get out of this fuck-friend-zone shit nonsense. But I have so much to say, things that being the coward I am, I’ll just dump online, like my message in a binary bottle. Maybe you’ll read it, but I’m sure you won’t and that gives me some comfort. So in a roundabout way and I curse my fucking head for just dumping everything on paper, I just proved why you can’t really commit to trying to have a relationship with me. Shit just can’t work out between two cowards. I won’t give up, why? I know what I can do, I believe in myself now, because I have seen myself through you, the same way I hope to help you see yourself.

I could come up with thousands of different scenarios about what the fuck happened, they could all be right, and they are all wrong. I know that you love me; there I just fucking said it because I know you feel it, your eyes, your mind, you opened them to me just like I did to you, and I can read you like a fucking book; just like I said I loved you, and I freaked the fuck out of you. I’m just going to push all the god damn buttons, so fuck it. For us it can only be one of two things, you either feel the same way for me, or you hate me with all your guts. I can’t have it in the middle, I can’t play the friend, and you have to deal with your own feelings. I am not going to let you hide; you aren’t going to be the little coward you can become. Either you face up to your own feelings, or I know at least I helped you grow out of a scared pushover, someone who will realize she is so much more than she believes of herself. And you won’t let people walk over you, not anymore, because I don’t want you to be the kind of woman that needs a man to protect her. I know you can be the woman who can stand next to a man, both together walking forward hand in hand. That way at least I can have the chance to do for one last time, all I have wanted to do since the day I looked into your eyes and let you into my heart; not just help you achieve your goals, but help you become that person I know, the one you don’t show anyone else. So even if I don’t have the front side seat I want, my heart will be filled, and my sadness subdued by knowing you are happy.

That’s all I can say now.

Oh, and I do love you. Even if it scares you, because it still scares me; and that’s why I know it’s real.