I hate
people who lie. And I am the biggest liar I know.
So this
presents a very serious issue for me, it is itself the root of all of my many problems.
Problems ranging from my failure to grow up, which in turn is a result of my
failure to desire to become something of an adult. Now I just feel like a bad
test case for some shitty Peter Pan complex. I just have become adept at
avoiding any and all responsibility for myself, and the worst part is (for me
at least, now that I have really sat down and thought about it) I could probably
keep this shit up forever. I don’t know if I should be sad or strangely
satisfied in my capacity to game people and just roll with shit. I should be
horrified, but not for the worlds ignorance, but my own in believing this to be
viable.
Sometimes I
try to remember if I ever had ambitions and where in these last 10 years give
or take did the wheels fall off. I remember I wanted to have money when I was a
kid, I understood from a young age that money was the enabler to achieve any
semblance of comfort. But after I left high school, I don’t remember ever
wanting to do something with my life. But at least I partied, I got to travel a
little (actually not enough for my taste, but I guess any person who has had
the opportunity to travel will always feel they left something on the table), I
tried my had at a few jobs, and when I finally discovered what I was actually,
ok maybe not great but at least I enjoyed it, it was gone.
While that
one last job (we all have our own “ones that got away”, in more than one facet
of our lives) was it for me, I wasn’t ready yet to realize what I had stumbled
upon. It took making the one of the biggest mistakes (not that I regret it, for
whatever reasons I choose not to share, it was worth it), losing my “ideal” career
pushed me into a new field. And as the old adage gleefully reminds me, you only
know what you want when you’ve lost it, I find myself craving a return to that
place where I felt at home, where my one big regret was not making even more of
that opportunity.
So my 20’s
crisis continued, aided by my own unwillingness to compromise with myself and
poof, 10 years passed. While I don’t regret it, it does sadden me sometimes
that I might have lost what could have been my creative apex. Worst, in an ever
increasing quagmire of mistakes and opportunities not taken, my dream of
writing was a perfect complement to my ideal career, a librarian. Because while
teaching does afford me plenty of time to write (which I sadly don’t make the
most of, yes I must constantly remind myself that even if I am to consider
myself a work in progress, that is not an excuse to continue to waste time),
and I do enjoy the opportunity to share one of my few talents (yes I can speak
two languages, it has been very useful) with people who work hard and remind me
that I also wanted that; the world of books just calls me. I am a bibliophile,
and while some might misconstrue it, I love books (not in a sexual way, and yet
I can’t lie and say that books don’t give me an almost orgasmic pleasure). And not
just old tomes or younger ones, I get the same feeling of satisfaction from accessing
a book online or just reading it from any e-reader. Yes, it took many twists and turns to just
realize what I could do with my so called life.
And yet I will
always be a liar, because even if I am righting course, devising plans, and
setting things into motion; I haven’t been honest with myself. While it may
sound obvious, most men’s greatest fear is the fear of failure, which is also
the stupidest in its own way since it prevents you from ever truly trying; I have
yet to face it. But I have in part, just by tossing these entries, and yet it
could almost be called a fool’s errand. Because I know no one will read them,
and if they do, I am somewhat immune to any criticism by the very amateur
nature of blogging. I must really toss these bottled messages farther if I ever
hope to accomplish my dream, to be paid to do this. And I will, and I will
return to read these entries and smile, maybe sadly, hopefully triumphant.
No hay comentarios:
Publicar un comentario