dissipating love letter

Lady

I write this letter knowing I should probably never send it to you but if I want to be a real, true friend, we should put some stuff out there. You have asked me to back off and I guess that’s it for me, I will respect your wishes, and only send this letter in reply to any attempt to communicate on your part. I really wanted to be your friend, god knows I tried my best. And you know I have never really worked at anything in my life. But being your friend was worth it. For me being able to open up and be vulnerable to someone for the first time in my life was scary and yet exhilarating. I never felt judged by you, I always felt understood, but deep down I knew there was something wrong about it. I have started to realize how wrong I was about this friendship, but not because of me. While I will always admit my feelings exist and have been extremely visible and emoted in a way that might hurt you, that is not the only thing that hurt this friendship. Do you know you are the only person I have really ever been truly vulnerable and open to? And I cannot say with, because once you knew of my feelings you shut me out. And now not being judged by you just feels like you coped out and didn’t really invest in telling me if I was right or wrong, just simply trying to appease me. The only time you ever opened up to me after I shared my feelings with you, was the time I got you so angry by saying you were a coward. I do not understand why my feelings have this type of effect on you, when you have made it abundantly clear that you do not share them, I have accepted that and made it clear that I understand. Why could you not tell me that you felt weird by my letters? If you were really my friend you should have been honest. Especially if you were getting into a new and real relationship. Why didn’t you tell me that you were seeing someone? Were you afraid you’d hurt me? Maybe Lady, I probably would have cried myself to sleep for a while, but I’d move on, I’d be happy for you and understood that you needed that in your life. And that would have never been a reason for me to stop being your friend. Now I feel I can’t trust you at all. It’s always the same thing with you, cutting me out, making me be the one who has to try to mend shit even with all the baggage I have and making it all be my fault for being too open, like I do the things I do on purpose just to hurt you. You gave me shit for writing too much, you gave me shit for writing too little and too intense things. But a true friend would accept me how I am, not try to ask me to change who I basically am just to make things easier for them. You say this is no friendship because of what you know about me, and that those feelings make you have to work too hard, think too much, and I’m sorry to say this is no friendship because you made it that way. You say that you are afraid that what you say carries too much weight with me? Sorry kid, you are not the only one. What my best friends say carries a lot of weight with me, what my family says, what my sister says, what the people I care about and know care about me carries a lot of weight. It’s because I value their opinions and honestly believe they want the best for me. But that does not mean I will blindly do what they tell me. Do you think that I came to college just because you said I should? You are giving yourself too much credit. I said you gave me strength to do something, not that you are the only reason. My whole family, my friends, the people that really care about me and put up with my shit have been trying to convince me to do this. You just put the grain of sand that tipped the scale.

And news flash Lady, friendship does require work, it’s about caring for someone and being honest with them even if it hurts them. How can you expect me to be honest and open and real, and not accidentally let my feelings out? It’s surely much easier for you since you have no feelings at all for me, but even then you don’t really treat me as a friend most of the time. You hide behind the idea of not wanting to hurt me to avoid being hurt yourself. See you share stuff about yourself, you talk about things, but it’s always in such a guarded manner. I’m sorry but I have to call bullshit on you being afraid of hurting my feelings. Especially since like I already said I’ve repeated myself a bunch of times and told you that you don’t owe me shit. You are just afraid of being vulnerable to me, and I don’t understand why. All it makes me think is that you are still confused about your own feelings and are dumping it on me.

Was it just appeasement when you let me hold your hand? Was it just you feeling sorry for me when you kissed me back all those times? What was it Lady? Were you just throwing me a bone when you let me hold you in my arms and have sex with you, or when you let me put my hands down on you? I know you felt something, your heart racing, and your eyes closed as your lips barely parted waiting for me to kiss them or stealing breaths. Did it mean anything to you? Maybe it did, but then again you yourself have told me you are afraid to feel things. When you’d walk up to my desk and smile and tell me about your day? Were you just using me? When it was convenient and when it did not complicate your life at all I was useful? I know I wasn’t the only one who put out a hand for it to be held. I wasn’t he only one who put out lips to be kissed. I wasn’t the only one there or was I? What are you afraid of? Have I given you reasons to be afraid of me? Why do I scare you then? What of all of this scares you? Are you afraid I will leave? That I will blame you if things do not work?

You say you haven’t told this guy what I tell you. How can I believe you? How can I believe you when you find it so hard to be open and honest with me? Starting with the letter treatment after one of the first times you cut me out. The pattern just repeated itself, me saying things you found upsetting, you hiding away. How can I trust you when you can’t even call me out and be more honest to me about your own feelings? See that really confuses me, because if my behavior upsets you, wouldn’t a real friend be upfront about it? All of this is kind of driving me crazy, because I told you once that all I ever wanted from you was honesty. That’s the only reason I ever opened up to you in the first place. But you can’t be honest with me, and I am sorry to say that when you say you don’t want to hurt me, that’s just bullshit. When someone asks for the truth, they do it either prepared for it, or not. And if they are not prepared, they will just have to accept it. All of this just takes me to one conclusion Lady. You still haven’t sorted out your own feelings. If that’s the case, well there’s nothing that can be done. You can’t feel that way for me. After all you have reluctantly shared with me I know oh so clearly that you can’t. And I freak you out because I feel shit too much, I let the dam burst open and have relinquished control to who know what. And we will both overthink the shit out of everything and as I said end up hurting each other worse. All because of fear.

Or just forget about everything I have said. But one thing can’t be left unsaid, any relationship be it a friendship, romantic, platonic, whatever has to be built on trust, openness, honesty, acceptance and a little faith. Of all this, whatever happened between you and I, gave me, the most important thing I got from it was knowing that being vulnerable to someone isn’t something to be afraid of. Even if you choose the wrong person to be in that position with, the feeling of liberation, of recognition, I can’t describe how it has changed me. It has given me the courage to try to do all the things I had always been afraid of doing. If I am sorry about anything Lady, kiddo, it’s that I was not strong enough to be the person you could be vulnerable with. It hurts me even more that anything I have said here, that you did not have that trust, that little bit of faith to let yourself be vulnerable to me. Once you did, but as soon as you knew of my feelings, it was all broken. I know a lot of this has to do with your childhood, you were really open about it all, but you never were willing to really give me a chance to prove you wrong.

Look I will surely get over my feelings one day. Maybe one day I will be able to think of you and not feel like crying my heart out because I can’t be with you the way I would want to. Maybe one morning I will just wake up and not wonder if you are doing ok. Maybe that morning I will wake up and not feel sad because I just remembered we don’t talk anymore. Maybe one day I will be able to sleep without thinking of putting my arms around your waist and brushing your hair out of my face to kiss your neck, something I only had a chance to do so few times and yet understood to be such a vulnerable position. Maybe one day thinking about that won’t make me want to shed a tear. Maybe one day I will stop asking to any and every existing higher power to just rip my heart out and make me forget about everything I feel, to make me numb. Maybe one day I won’t be afraid to open myself up to others for fear that they may not like what they see or they can’t deal with what is there. Or maybe I won’t, but all I know is that there will always be an empty space in my heart were you once tried to get in, just to find it wanting. It makes me feel like I failed you somehow, and that makes me sad. Because I don’t want you to be afraid to be open for fear of being hurt. I don’t want you to believe that if something goes wrong it’s because it somehow is your fault. I don’t want you to be afraid to express yourself. I don’t want you to be afraid to your actions hurt people. I want you to understand that maybe they do, but that not doing anything can hurt even more. I want you to be happy, not because it would make me happy, but because it would make you happy. I don’t want you to make me happy either, I want you to be there to share my happiness. Happy with each other, for each other not just because of each other. Also I don’t expect you to love me back, I just want you to be able to love someone, be able to be that vulnerable, that exposed and just trust that person to be there when you need them to hold you or pick you up if you need help; not just because you are weak, but because sometimes we all need someone to help us with our burdens. People willing to share them, not just because doing it makes them happy or sad, or because it would make us happy or sad; but because they understand that sometimes we need help. That’s why when I say I love you or well, anyone really says it, it just does not mean a romantic feeling alone. Love is caring for someone who does not care for him or herself. Love is wanting someone to succeed not because it benefits me, but because I can see how hard they tried. Love is watching someone embraced with another, and smiling even through tears for their happiness, not because it made you feel anyway, but because they found something so precious together. Love is being able to write long letters and send them, even if the content might hurt, but the truth within will do so much for that person; it will make them grow, be better for it. Love is repeating something until the person you are talking to understands it. Love is giving up on fear, because any type of love can only be built upon trust and faith. Ironically love is to decide to never be really happy, because love is being so exposed to someone it hurts. But that pain, oh it can show you what it means to really be alive. Love is not about sex, I have learned this the hard way. Love is not about sleeping in someone’s arms. Love is not kisses in dark theaters or empty places. That’s why you can never un-love  someone.

So if knowing all of this, after reading my baring of the soul, you believe you can be that type of friend, good for you. If not, if all you can be is an acquaintance someone you can share big news and just general stuff, that’s also great. But one thing I can’t do Lady, is be your friend if you are going to pull away or cut me off every time you can’t deal with it. If you can’t promise me honesty, trust and truth; what the fuck are we supposed to do then? You are the last person I want to lie to and I had hoped you felt the same way about me. Only you don’t lie to me, you just hide from me which only makes me feel confused and hurt. The only way I can ever be honest and open with you is if I can trust you, and I don’t feel I can if I am afraid you will just run away. I could be that acquaintance that shares news if you wish, but I could and would never bare my feelings again in that case. I just can’t extend that trust if it will not be mutual. And I can’t deal with a coward.