Babel

A community shares many things like history, values, customs, and language; most people take all these things for granted. Being part of a group is an important and defining quality; it makes sense for social beings to feel the need to be a part of something larger. Sometimes circumstances change one of those things and it can make people feel disconnected from the group like an outsider, or worse yet like a pariah. Alienation is the feeling of estrangement or isolation from a group one must or feels should belong to. It can be a very hard for a person to overcome, it can be even more difficult for a child. Alienation can come from something as simple not sharing a language with the rest of your community. Such was the case for me.

I grew up in Ecuador, a small country in South America. Ecuador is a diverse country with beaches, mountains, and jungles all which can be visited in the span of less than twenty four hours. My mother’s family moved down there from California in the nineteen seventies. My grandfather had gotten a job with a local oil company and moved the whole family. The family at that time included him, my grandmother, and five kids with ages varying from sixteen to six, with one more still on the way. My mother was one of the older children, she was twelve when they moved down to Ecuador. She always said it was not an easy move for her, she lost many friends, and came to an alien environment where people where so different from her and her family. That made them into a much close bunch, and by being their own group of people they were able to make their transition smoother. The family settled in the city of Guayaquil, a port city with a strong foreign influence. And yet even with a community that was welcoming for foreign people, it was not an easy move. But they made things work. Skipping a few years ahead, my parents met, got engaged, broke off their engagement, married, and I was born. My parents were very young when they got married and my father worked full time while also going to college to get his degree in civil engineering. Since he worked so hard most of my early education fell on my mother's lap. So she did what was natural, she raised me the same way she had been raised. That not only included customs and values, but also her language. That made me very different from other people in Ecuador.

My mother’s family was also tight knitted. We spent a lot of time with them while I was growing up. For me that meant I was constantly observing and imitating people speaking in English. So I never really learned to speak in Spanish well. It was always difficult for me to get people to understand me, because I knew so little words and did not know how to pronounce them well. One instance in which this was especially difficult for me growing up was communicating with my father. Like I mentioned before he both worked and studied when I was a baby, so I only really saw him on the weekends. He was born in a small countryside town and was literally raised on a farm, so he never needed or bothered to learn English. My mother had to serve as an interpreter between both. She would have to tell me whatever my father wanted me to do or know. I guess in a way that affected our relationship, and we have never been able to communicate easily. Though we still continue to have some uneasiness communicating, things have gotten better between both of us; because in many ways I am a lot like my father. Also age has made me understand that he had to do so much, sacrifice a lot to give us the life he wanted us to enjoy, and not being able to communicate easily just made all that harder for him.

But not everything was difficulties growing up and speaking a different language than everyone else. A funny story from my childhood happened when my mother took me to play with the son of a friend of hers. This boy was about a year older than me and looking back he might not have been terribly bright. Which is not a fair judgment for me to give of him. Going back to the story, we had been set up for a play date so my mother took me to her friend’s house. One important detail that should be added is that my mother was extremely overprotective of me as a child. She never wanted me to stray too far from her sight. So she would always be calling me back by saying, “Joey come here”. She had done so many times in front of her friend and her son. So that day we went to her friend’s house, her son asked, “Can joey come here play with me?” Of course this might sound funnier in Spanish.

While that story might not make everyone laugh, language did present a barrier for me in trying to integrate. Things did not get easier for me when I started school. I was sent to a private bilingual school, yet that did not make the transition any smoother. Children can be especially cruel to those who are different, even if the difference might not seem so big. Though I was lucky to be able to make friends who helped me overcome my language barrier, still some kids teased me for my terrible Spanish and made fun of my accent. It did not help matters that I was always a more introspective person, and I would say athletically challenged to be generous about it. Truth is I still am terrible at sports, but while it rarely matters now, back then it was something else that made me different. To be the new kid in school is not something that could be especially difficult, but to be that weird kid who cannot speak Spanish and was also not good at sports was a complex combo. Friends can be so important in moments like these. I still have extremely close friendships from the time I started school, it helped that I went to the same school from kindergarten to high school. Some of my friends and I were together for fourteen years. That makes for some pretty strong bonds. We shared things like weddings, funerals, and everything else in between. I even served as the best man for friend that I have known for more than twenty years now. I have had girlfriends that were born after I met these friends. They still make fun of my old accent from time to time, but I can laugh comfortably about it now.

But sometimes it is not only kids that can make things difficult in school. One other story from my first few school years involved my accent while speaking Spanish. While this is an issue I worked hard at to improve, back then I had a very thick accent. It was very hard for me to pronounce some sounds used in the Spanish language that have no equivalent in English. Sounds like "RR" pronounced "erre" to give just one example, were a huge challenges for me. One teacher even though I had a learning disability because of my strange pronunciation. My mother was called to meet her and the principal to discuss my disability, and maybe find a way to help me overcome it. That is until they met my mother and heard her speak. At that moment it became obvious to the principal that I was just speaking the same way my family did. While it does end up being a funny story, at the time it was just another example for me of how different I was from the rest of my classmates. Of how even teachers could mark me as an outsider.

But on the other hand, what made me so different in my home country and made me feel cut off sometimes has made it so much easier to fit in once I came to Wichita. While being able to speak the language is an obvious advantage, there are other things that have made it much easier for me to relate to my American classmates more so than my foreign ones. Customs and values are two very important things that I share with most of my Wichita classmates, and those I learned from my mother's family. Another one is the atmosphere of American colleges, how people treat each other, has made it easier for me to feel a part of this community. So while sometimes being an outsider can be the result of even slight difference, it can also be just as easy to fit in when the conditions are just right.

friendship stuff

I always choose my friends carefully. I am not a person to whom openness comes easily. Sometimes I will even find myself asking my friends if I acted correctly or if that was the ideal response to a social situation. I even need my friends to point out to me if a girl is interested in me. I guess I was not born o have yet to learn how to pick up on these nuanced social queues. But with you I thought I did not need to ask. I believed you would tell me if what I was doing was wrong. I guess our biggest problem stems from bad communication, I should have told you that a sad responsibility of being my friend was to clue me in. tell me if something is wrong, if I am saying things in ways you cannot understand. Or even worse, misunderstand. Always ask me to clarify things. Because the worst thing a friend can do to me is not tell me the truth. It is not hurting me by telling me that I am not doing things right. It is not by telling me that I have hurt them or by hiding things because they think it might upset me. No it is no any of that, the worst thing they can do is not trust me. I hate that people take my social difficulties as excuses to treat me like an emotional child. While it is true it has taken me a long time to mature, it is not any less true that I can deal with shit. I have been dealing with shit my whole life. So to my friends all I can say is, trust me. Tell me the truth because I need to know it. I choose to be friends with you because I believe you can help me become a better person. 
Just don't hide shit from me. Don’t cut me off. Don’t be afraid to tell me the truth.

dissipating love letter

Lady

I write this letter knowing I should probably never send it to you but if I want to be a real, true friend, we should put some stuff out there. You have asked me to back off and I guess that’s it for me, I will respect your wishes, and only send this letter in reply to any attempt to communicate on your part. I really wanted to be your friend, god knows I tried my best. And you know I have never really worked at anything in my life. But being your friend was worth it. For me being able to open up and be vulnerable to someone for the first time in my life was scary and yet exhilarating. I never felt judged by you, I always felt understood, but deep down I knew there was something wrong about it. I have started to realize how wrong I was about this friendship, but not because of me. While I will always admit my feelings exist and have been extremely visible and emoted in a way that might hurt you, that is not the only thing that hurt this friendship. Do you know you are the only person I have really ever been truly vulnerable and open to? And I cannot say with, because once you knew of my feelings you shut me out. And now not being judged by you just feels like you coped out and didn’t really invest in telling me if I was right or wrong, just simply trying to appease me. The only time you ever opened up to me after I shared my feelings with you, was the time I got you so angry by saying you were a coward. I do not understand why my feelings have this type of effect on you, when you have made it abundantly clear that you do not share them, I have accepted that and made it clear that I understand. Why could you not tell me that you felt weird by my letters? If you were really my friend you should have been honest. Especially if you were getting into a new and real relationship. Why didn’t you tell me that you were seeing someone? Were you afraid you’d hurt me? Maybe Lady, I probably would have cried myself to sleep for a while, but I’d move on, I’d be happy for you and understood that you needed that in your life. And that would have never been a reason for me to stop being your friend. Now I feel I can’t trust you at all. It’s always the same thing with you, cutting me out, making me be the one who has to try to mend shit even with all the baggage I have and making it all be my fault for being too open, like I do the things I do on purpose just to hurt you. You gave me shit for writing too much, you gave me shit for writing too little and too intense things. But a true friend would accept me how I am, not try to ask me to change who I basically am just to make things easier for them. You say this is no friendship because of what you know about me, and that those feelings make you have to work too hard, think too much, and I’m sorry to say this is no friendship because you made it that way. You say that you are afraid that what you say carries too much weight with me? Sorry kid, you are not the only one. What my best friends say carries a lot of weight with me, what my family says, what my sister says, what the people I care about and know care about me carries a lot of weight. It’s because I value their opinions and honestly believe they want the best for me. But that does not mean I will blindly do what they tell me. Do you think that I came to college just because you said I should? You are giving yourself too much credit. I said you gave me strength to do something, not that you are the only reason. My whole family, my friends, the people that really care about me and put up with my shit have been trying to convince me to do this. You just put the grain of sand that tipped the scale.

And news flash Lady, friendship does require work, it’s about caring for someone and being honest with them even if it hurts them. How can you expect me to be honest and open and real, and not accidentally let my feelings out? It’s surely much easier for you since you have no feelings at all for me, but even then you don’t really treat me as a friend most of the time. You hide behind the idea of not wanting to hurt me to avoid being hurt yourself. See you share stuff about yourself, you talk about things, but it’s always in such a guarded manner. I’m sorry but I have to call bullshit on you being afraid of hurting my feelings. Especially since like I already said I’ve repeated myself a bunch of times and told you that you don’t owe me shit. You are just afraid of being vulnerable to me, and I don’t understand why. All it makes me think is that you are still confused about your own feelings and are dumping it on me.

Was it just appeasement when you let me hold your hand? Was it just you feeling sorry for me when you kissed me back all those times? What was it Lady? Were you just throwing me a bone when you let me hold you in my arms and have sex with you, or when you let me put my hands down on you? I know you felt something, your heart racing, and your eyes closed as your lips barely parted waiting for me to kiss them or stealing breaths. Did it mean anything to you? Maybe it did, but then again you yourself have told me you are afraid to feel things. When you’d walk up to my desk and smile and tell me about your day? Were you just using me? When it was convenient and when it did not complicate your life at all I was useful? I know I wasn’t the only one who put out a hand for it to be held. I wasn’t he only one who put out lips to be kissed. I wasn’t the only one there or was I? What are you afraid of? Have I given you reasons to be afraid of me? Why do I scare you then? What of all of this scares you? Are you afraid I will leave? That I will blame you if things do not work?

You say you haven’t told this guy what I tell you. How can I believe you? How can I believe you when you find it so hard to be open and honest with me? Starting with the letter treatment after one of the first times you cut me out. The pattern just repeated itself, me saying things you found upsetting, you hiding away. How can I trust you when you can’t even call me out and be more honest to me about your own feelings? See that really confuses me, because if my behavior upsets you, wouldn’t a real friend be upfront about it? All of this is kind of driving me crazy, because I told you once that all I ever wanted from you was honesty. That’s the only reason I ever opened up to you in the first place. But you can’t be honest with me, and I am sorry to say that when you say you don’t want to hurt me, that’s just bullshit. When someone asks for the truth, they do it either prepared for it, or not. And if they are not prepared, they will just have to accept it. All of this just takes me to one conclusion Lady. You still haven’t sorted out your own feelings. If that’s the case, well there’s nothing that can be done. You can’t feel that way for me. After all you have reluctantly shared with me I know oh so clearly that you can’t. And I freak you out because I feel shit too much, I let the dam burst open and have relinquished control to who know what. And we will both overthink the shit out of everything and as I said end up hurting each other worse. All because of fear.

Or just forget about everything I have said. But one thing can’t be left unsaid, any relationship be it a friendship, romantic, platonic, whatever has to be built on trust, openness, honesty, acceptance and a little faith. Of all this, whatever happened between you and I, gave me, the most important thing I got from it was knowing that being vulnerable to someone isn’t something to be afraid of. Even if you choose the wrong person to be in that position with, the feeling of liberation, of recognition, I can’t describe how it has changed me. It has given me the courage to try to do all the things I had always been afraid of doing. If I am sorry about anything Lady, kiddo, it’s that I was not strong enough to be the person you could be vulnerable with. It hurts me even more that anything I have said here, that you did not have that trust, that little bit of faith to let yourself be vulnerable to me. Once you did, but as soon as you knew of my feelings, it was all broken. I know a lot of this has to do with your childhood, you were really open about it all, but you never were willing to really give me a chance to prove you wrong.

Look I will surely get over my feelings one day. Maybe one day I will be able to think of you and not feel like crying my heart out because I can’t be with you the way I would want to. Maybe one morning I will just wake up and not wonder if you are doing ok. Maybe that morning I will wake up and not feel sad because I just remembered we don’t talk anymore. Maybe one day I will be able to sleep without thinking of putting my arms around your waist and brushing your hair out of my face to kiss your neck, something I only had a chance to do so few times and yet understood to be such a vulnerable position. Maybe one day thinking about that won’t make me want to shed a tear. Maybe one day I will stop asking to any and every existing higher power to just rip my heart out and make me forget about everything I feel, to make me numb. Maybe one day I won’t be afraid to open myself up to others for fear that they may not like what they see or they can’t deal with what is there. Or maybe I won’t, but all I know is that there will always be an empty space in my heart were you once tried to get in, just to find it wanting. It makes me feel like I failed you somehow, and that makes me sad. Because I don’t want you to be afraid to be open for fear of being hurt. I don’t want you to believe that if something goes wrong it’s because it somehow is your fault. I don’t want you to be afraid to express yourself. I don’t want you to be afraid to your actions hurt people. I want you to understand that maybe they do, but that not doing anything can hurt even more. I want you to be happy, not because it would make me happy, but because it would make you happy. I don’t want you to make me happy either, I want you to be there to share my happiness. Happy with each other, for each other not just because of each other. Also I don’t expect you to love me back, I just want you to be able to love someone, be able to be that vulnerable, that exposed and just trust that person to be there when you need them to hold you or pick you up if you need help; not just because you are weak, but because sometimes we all need someone to help us with our burdens. People willing to share them, not just because doing it makes them happy or sad, or because it would make us happy or sad; but because they understand that sometimes we need help. That’s why when I say I love you or well, anyone really says it, it just does not mean a romantic feeling alone. Love is caring for someone who does not care for him or herself. Love is wanting someone to succeed not because it benefits me, but because I can see how hard they tried. Love is watching someone embraced with another, and smiling even through tears for their happiness, not because it made you feel anyway, but because they found something so precious together. Love is being able to write long letters and send them, even if the content might hurt, but the truth within will do so much for that person; it will make them grow, be better for it. Love is repeating something until the person you are talking to understands it. Love is giving up on fear, because any type of love can only be built upon trust and faith. Ironically love is to decide to never be really happy, because love is being so exposed to someone it hurts. But that pain, oh it can show you what it means to really be alive. Love is not about sex, I have learned this the hard way. Love is not about sleeping in someone’s arms. Love is not kisses in dark theaters or empty places. That’s why you can never un-love  someone.

So if knowing all of this, after reading my baring of the soul, you believe you can be that type of friend, good for you. If not, if all you can be is an acquaintance someone you can share big news and just general stuff, that’s also great. But one thing I can’t do Lady, is be your friend if you are going to pull away or cut me off every time you can’t deal with it. If you can’t promise me honesty, trust and truth; what the fuck are we supposed to do then? You are the last person I want to lie to and I had hoped you felt the same way about me. Only you don’t lie to me, you just hide from me which only makes me feel confused and hurt. The only way I can ever be honest and open with you is if I can trust you, and I don’t feel I can if I am afraid you will just run away. I could be that acquaintance that shares news if you wish, but I could and would never bare my feelings again in that case. I just can’t extend that trust if it will not be mutual. And I can’t deal with a coward.

flow

Somewhere, some when, shit will happen, of course it won't happen to me, never does, and maybe the problem really is that I don't want it to happen. I visited my family, well my blood relatives. You really can't call that a family. it's just a group of people who happen to share genes, but would no sooner fuck each other in the back if there was something in it for them, because that's what people do, go over anyone to get what they want, that's not being bitter, just being real about shit, someone told write anything you think of, even if 99.9% is shit, you might hit it with the 0.01%, this is obviously the former, but none the less it's refreshing for me, to just take a verbal dump or a written crap (both terms suck by the way), I don't trust people, and I continue to be proved right when I fuck up and let someone in, nope that’s bullshit, I’m just no good at loosing people, but then is anyone? I can’t count how many times I’ll end up going over any little tiny detail, no matter how unimportant, just to satisfy myself and find where I screwed up, even if I haven’t, the knowledge of maybe having done something wrong calms me, it makes it easier to digest the fact that I just didn’t work hard enough, or I don’t know, it’s just easier to give it a face, I’m kind of sad right now, I really miss her, but I’m afraid of saying anything, I’ll probably screw it up, I guess that’s why being passive, uninvolved, uninterested and un invested in life is so easy, there’s no room to make mistakes, to screw up, now I’m just talking shit, but if you think about it’ the idea is intriguing, attractive even, I am about to embark on a huge thing, well it’s not really big, but for a mouse, the cat’s footsteps are far apart, I’m not afraid to fail, not like I use to be, what I’m afraid is, am I doing this for me? For other people? Will it make me happy? Will I be able to complete this task, this time? It’s a lot to deal with, and there’s just one huge elephant in the room, I hope I can manage to work around it, even if for a while, fuck I miss you, I don’t understand why some people get under our skin, they crawl inside, move the furniture and just leave after eating all the good stuff, even if you move everything back to where it was supposed to be, it’s not the same, the place stinks of them, it’s alluringly obnoxious, disgustingly weak and yet empowering in its own twisted way, you know I think about you all the time right? Well I do, not that it matters really, because the saddest moment of actually having some sort of feeling, is realizing that the best thing you can do is just keep your fucking mouth shut, it’s for the best, that’s what a good person does, someone who cares, not walk away, just do the best for the one you care about, raise your fist without moving and scream silently, maybe let a tear drop down, blame it on the weather.

mussings

Look the thing is, sometimes all of this makes me feel like I’m on an island. Just throwing messages in bottles with hope they will be read. It’s not that I don’t believe you read them, or that you are really busy. But you said it yourself, being busy isn’t an excuse. If you wanted to make time you could. That’s not a knock on you, it’s just a fact. And I know you care, I believe you when you say so, but friends are supposed to be able to talk to each other. I can’t do all the talking by myself, is that communication? It's sad that the only times you've really been open is when you were angry and that one time you said you were a little drunk. But I also lie when I say I'm fine.

Look, you’re also being unfair when you ask me to always keep in touch. You know how I feel. I actually had made a descicion to not write or try to contact you while you were away, cut myself off for my own benefit. And you wrote and I couldn't follow through. I really am sorry if my feelings put pressure on you, I try not to, but I fail sometimes. But you put pressure on me by asking to keep in touch, and deal with the reality that you will usually not answer. Not because you don't want to, but because in all honesty I'm not a priority. And your signals are so confusing to me. You keep me at a distance, open up, close up, say things that really confuse me. Like telling me to look into around where you are going to be. What am I supposed to think? I guess you think it would be good for me, but don't you see the implications of telling me that? What else could I read into it? I know you meant it as a good idea for change for, because I know you don't have strong feelings about seeing me. That's hurtful to be honest.

How can I be open with you, when it’s precisely because I opened up so much to you that I started to feel the way I do. I’m not open like this with anyone, not ever with my best friend or my family. It’s not normal or fair to either one of us. I know you said it was not a problem for you to be a friend. Of course it’s not a problem because you never had any feelings for me. I know we could stop talking right now and it wouldn’t even faze you. You might be sad for a while, but you’d move on. Not because you’re heartless or cold, you’re just practical. I used to be like that, but you changed that in me. I’m not sure if it was a change for the best though. 

But that’s ok, shit happens right? I can’t blame you either. I’m not really going anywhere; I lack anything resembling a future. You on the other hand, have all these options in front of you. I’m happy about that, you deserve it, and you’ve worked for it. I guess this is my punishment for wasting my life. Karma’s a bitch sometimes, show me something I can never have, and that end up being the one thing I want.