loneliness

Loneliness

Love, hate, happiness, sadness, anger, anything is better than fucking loneliness. Because while you can direct anyone of those outwardly to some object, person or situation; loneliness circles around, festering, growing stale and polluting my energy and drive. I’ve felt most of these, and I can definitely say I really hate loneliness, and it can hit me any second without even noticing it.

For example, you can totally hate your boss, your coworkers, fuck it, the people who live in your neighborhood; you can be happy with someone or something and just shine or shit. I know people who can hate for long, unforgiving or unrelenting, sometimes against their own self interests. I don’t think I have ever felt that kind of hatred, because I’m sure I haven’t hated anyone, yet.  Of all of these feelings, hate and love are supposed to be a lot alike. I don’t get it really; maybe it’s just the lack of passion. You probably need it, maybe with this exercise I could start something, guess I just have to wait.

Anger is easily identifiable, not always its source, but the feeling itself; and I can be directed towards something. A lot of shit makes me angry, this country, people, bullshit, lies, dishonesty; but I can let go of that easy, except dishonesty, which chaffs my balls. That’s something sort of positive of anger, at least it’s a quick high, and gone just as fast, for most. 

Love or lust, it always has an object that drives it, or you can at least find a spot to put it, well in or take it, your call. I’m not sure how to write about this, because I said I don’t know. About love, but lust, plenty; I guess it’s the result of living in a sort of prudish society, or I’m just a horny fucker. Probably the latter, even though I’m probably terrible at fucking; never really had the courage to ask about it, that’s definitely an ignorance is bliss thing. But this has me thinking about women, a subject that eludes me; well people in general to be honest. So here that lacking shit continues to haunt me.

Sadness, shit, this is where my argument can start to fall apart. But you can direct the shit out of it. Be it a person or a situation, there’s always something to be done about it. Can sadness feel like a bad instagram photo taken by a 12 year old? You’re supposed to leave shit behind, don’t let it weight you down, but what if you can’t? I mean, I know it’s childish or just plain emotionally retarded, but there’s things that can’t just disappear. 

But loneliness sucks; it can’t be directed or subdued easily. Worst part is, while have outward objects to witch we can direct our angst, pain or whatever, what are you fucking supposed to do with loneliness? Because for me, loneliness is not just being alone, right, everyone feels that shit? Sometimes loneliness can be reassuring, even comforting, and then slowly, it starts to gnaw, to wither you. Sometimes loneliness can be useful,

Maybe that’s where my passion started to fizzle; I’ve been hidden for too long, refusing to put my shit out there. But fuck, it all comes down to passion, and shit me I can’t seem to find it sometimes. Where does it hide? Is it in people, in things, in hobbies? I think you’re supposed to direct passion at things, or can you be passionate about yourself? Maybe with yourself. Can you be passionate and happy? Or is passion consuming, an ending? What do you do when you find what you are looking for? God this has been one long hand job, and yet I feel unsatisfied.