white blank page

White blank page

Every person who writes is supposed to fear this… crap, let’s start again. What is a blank page? Well of course it is endless possibilities, a challenge, a hurdle, a wall to climb, and any other thing you can imagine that must be filled, overcome or ran away from. That last one is my favorite, because it really is not that easy as you would think. I mean running away is hard, maybe not for everyone, most would consider it really easy, but to actually carry all the bullshit and just choose to never leave it? Ok, I know I’m talking out of my ass, but I don’t think so, I want to this to mean something but I don’t know where to start really. 

Ok, third time should be a go, so, running away from an empty page; it’s not really an answer to a problem. At least not my problem, can’t blame anyone for running though. Because, yeah it’s bullshit, it really is easy to drop everything and just escape. All of this, I’m just starting to impose discipline on myself to do work during the day, write at night even if it’s just some bull about how I feel or think, sometimes I don’t know what the point of it is. I mean I know I want to write, but what if nobody reads it? It’s actually more important for me to know if I’m actually any good at this. Some people have told me the think so, but who can you trust about these things? So if someone you fucked, your best friend and your family say you’re any good, can you put value on their uninformed opinions? Maybe some could be considered informed about it, but can you trust them to be honest? 

People lie all the time, I do, how else do I convince people that I might be normal? It’s probably because we’re supposed to be afraid of the unknown, the idea that since we have to label shit, define crap and all of that, we fear that which can’t be labeled or categorized or defined. Ok, that’s too convoluted, too much blabbering. So, we are naturally afraid of the unknown, and that’s why I find it so hard to believe other people. Especially because I’m one of the biggest liars I know. I guess it’s ultimately up to you what to do right? Just believe and take a chance or run. I’ve been running for a while, and I can tell it hasn’t been the answer. I guess I had to find one person who I thought I could trust, don’t get me wrong, I trust her, but sometimes people lie, and I guess I’ll always wonder. 

I thought about the title of this post or blog because I’ve had this song in my head for a few days. And it fits so perfectly into who I’m feeling right now, a mix of a loss of words, my “voice” just not wanting to cooperate, and other stuff that doesn’t just fall into place. I know the stories are in my head, I think about them all the time, but I can’t put them down or out. Like the story of a university uprising that topples a government, or the one about a kid who gets his head mixed up because he’s just not sure what the world holds for him. And it gets worse because I’m trying to give that voice a shape, not just some pompous over the top shit, it should be honest, straight forward, and I guess real.