randomness

I tried to write about depression, since being so down as of late got me thinking I might be depressed. So I started off with something pretty simple, exactly like this: “Is depression like a woman’s orgasm? You don’t know if you’ve had one until you’ve had one? Ok, maybe that’s not really funny, but it’s not supposed to. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “Everyone occasionally feels blue or sad. But these feelings are usually short-lived and pass within a couple of days. When you have depression, it interferes with daily life and causes pain for both you and those who care about you. Depression is a common but serious illness”. Ok, so by these guidelines I can’t really say I have ever been depressed. But that’s talking about major depression, but there’s also Dysthymic disorder, or dysthymia…”, so yeah it does sound sooo dull, and if you look at it, think it through, and look at yourself, fuck, we’re all sort of depressed. 

So I thought about it, and decided that the best thing was that I should write about being happy. So yesterday’s post was about that particular subject and my not totally uncommon ideas about that, not a bad idea considering I was feeling down, right? I think it’s always best to think about the opposite of how you’re feeling. I guess the distance from the more intimate knowledge of the feeling gives you some perspective. It is easier to hone in those rare moments when everything else is gloom. The do tend to shine over the rest.

But sometimes those happy memories can be painful to the reflective mind. That’s why some might choose to just go on, you know, just continue and leave all the shit the mind might accumulate behind. It’s kind of like mental “fat”, it’s just this thing I read about on a sports column, I think Pat Riley said something about that. The idea was that mental fat accumulated after accomplishing stuff, be it complacency or just plain old laziness, it was all the bad shit we start to carry as we age. I see it as those we lost, those we loved and didn’t love us back, and those we care about even if they forget about us; maybe it’s all the mistakes we think we’ve made in life, plus all the regrets of stuff we didn’t do. 

I personally don’t really believe in regret, because all of my mistakes have led me somewhere. While I do regret not having the consistency to follow through with a lot of stuff, I am trying to do something about it. So that’s the whole idea of this, writing anything, even the dumbest crap I can drop on the web. The truth I’ve wasted a lot of time not really working towards my goals. So while I might find it forgivable to not know what you want to do with your life and go on that way for a long time, I find myself on the opposite edge, having known for a long time what I’ve wanted to do, and failing again and again to do it. 

“I can’t stand her eyes looking at me, I feel naked, vulnerable, and it’s all because she knows the truth”; and that she can be anything, in my case, it could be a person or just a reflection of a memory left behind. But I’ll just keep on writing; maybe I’ll just end up finding myself somewhere else again tomorrow. Self-discovery can be a long and crazy road, kind of like a bad trip to and Andean city. Enjoy the ride.